In an attempt to be somewhat diversified, I have taken a personal request from one of my love lorne misfit friends and answer their question.  They want to know what it takes to have a happy committed relationship on a college campus and I want to say, “Not much,” but on second thought, it seems like it takes quite a bit.

Say you are already into a pretty awesome person, he or she is completely hot (to you at least) and you just want to skip class every day, sit on the steps, and make out in public.  After that’s over, then what?  You actually have to t-a-l-k to each other.  Maintaining a good relationship is 80 percent talking and understanding and 20 percent sexual fulfillment.  This is not to say that a relationship without sex wouldn’t be happy or committed.  I know a lot of people wait until marriage to have sex or still aren’t comfortable with the idea of sex yet, which is completely understandable; it’s a personal preference.  Having similar interests, being involved in similar organizations, even watching bad TV together gives couples a conversational starting point.  It  is one of the most important things for a relationship to have a fighting chance.  On the other hand, I have a friend who just prefers conversation with some kind of substance or just prefers the silence from her partners.  Everybody is a little different.

“But don’t opposites attract?” you ask.

Sure they can attract, but how many completely opposite people tend to stay together?  Two people may seem different on the outside, but when they open themselves up to each other, they may find that they have more in common than they and others around them thought.  I don’t really buy into the whole “magnet” theory as I shall call it.  Why in the hell would I want someone completely opposite from who I am?  That person would just annoy the hell out of me any time I would try to get close to them.  People strive for familiarity and most people I know hate change.  Trying to maintain a relationship with someone who is completely different from you is like trying to put together a puzzle with instructions in Dutch, it ain’t gonna happen.

It doesn’t stop there though.  You can talk all you want, but if you don’t listen to your partner, it’ll end the relationship just as fast.  Be open and aware to what your partner needs as well because… well… relationships involve both people, not just your needs.  Everything you want from your partner is everything you should strive to be.

There will inevitably be conflicts, even if you are completely happy otherwise.  The key is to not let the issues fester and go unsaid because that is when everything will go to shit.  This is someone that you should trust and feel comfortable confiding in, so telling them how you feel in any situation shouldn’t seem like you are giving them a kind of ammunition to hurt you back.  Being vulnerable in general is never a good feeling, but feeling able to talk to your other and trust that they will accept how you feel is the leap you need to make to feel safe.

What about that other 20 percent?  Other people will disagree with me, but I will go so far to say that those dissenters have never had good sex.  Getting enough [kissing, touching, petting, groping, licking, sucking, boning, thrusting] is just as important to a relationship as anything else.  It’s not a science or anything, but next time you have a huge fight with your bf/gf, think about the last time you were sexually fulfilled and maybe you’ll see a pattern with your next fight as well.  If you feel you’re not getting enough, gently suggest it to your partner and perhaps you’ll see favorable results.  If your partner is offended, then perhaps you have a few things you need to talk about before you jump back into bed together.  That’s why it’s only 20 percent folks, it always goes back to the communication.

So there’s my formula:  talk about your needs with your partner + fulfilling your needs + fulfilling your partners needs = happy together.  Of course with anything, this isn’t surefire, so no lawsuits please!

If you have a relationship or sex query for Vixen, send them to stony.vixen@gmail.com

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